American Cuisine

Just some quick thoughts at 2:43 AM after a long night working in broadcast radio and after three beers at Piqua’s premier spot, Z’s (which really isn’t anything to write home about). So here you have it, my whimsical attempt at breaking down regional diets:

Northeast – Clam chowder, Boston baked beans, lager beer. We also love lobsters because their red, just like the Red Sox! Wicked awesome! The winters in New England can be harsh, and thus the dietary predilections of us folks in the Nor’East tend towards meals that are hearty, warm, and generally thick. Thick… like our accents… and our skulls.

Midwest – The turkey pot pie. The green bean casserole. The vegetable beef soup. The The utilitarian spirit of the Midwest lives on through our food. This thought graces the mind of each cook as she prepares the evening cuisine: “I don’t care how it looks, the real question is if it’s edible.” There aren’t any presentation points to be gained here; can it feed eight people and a dog? Can the leftovers be used to decorate the Christmas tree?

The South – Our diet is like cigarettes: Addicting and resulting in heart-disease. Our motto down here is, “If it ain’t be fryin’, we be cryin’!” Country-fried steak. Fried chicken. Fried potatoes. Fried fish. Fried corn fritters. Fried chittlins. And then there’s gravy, that famous Southern staple. Everyone in the South loves it, just like NASCAR. Rice and gravy. Biscuits and gravy. Mashed potatoes and gravy. Apple Jacks and gravy. And I could spend even more time on grits. Mmm! A Big! Buttery! Bowl! of Grits! They say the South will rise again. Well, we will… as soon as we can get our fat ass up from the table.

The West – We’re progressive out here on the Left Coast. We know that the rest of America is inferior and grossly ignorant when it comes to a proper dietary supplements. What most American’s don’t know is that God really designed humans to eat organic food, like soy beans. Sure, it tastes like spackling, but at least we’re not going to burn in hell! We also love sushi and tacos, and if we really feel like whipping up a culinary treat… fish tacos. If it comes from Japan or Mexico, it’s okay with us, kemo sabe, er, compadre.